difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

I wrote this before I read some of the other posts about forgiveness. (I was afraid they would turn against me). . I was in the waiting room of my specialist when tht little gem arrived by text, & cut him cold. Its also not a punishment. Im doing pretty well. DGzCarbon Well, ladies, thats male interest candidate #2 in cow-town. Ready you should be celebrating! Theres a saying, What you resist persists,and its true. I am now 20 days in NC and have stepped away from these friends as well. "We don't hold grudges in this family" = I am in charge and I say you can't hold this against me. Funny this applies to a decision I made in relation to a recent school reunion I was invited to. I go long periods of him not crossing my mind then bam, it hits,& I know I still have anger & disappointment towards him. 5 Ways to Stop Holding Grudges and Move On I Psych Central Check out these best-sellers and special offers on books and newsletters from Mayo Clinic Press. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. Im especially proud of you for considering your daughters feelings. But you (I), know damn well, to your very core You cant trust it. that I was not OK with acting like friends and that he should have had the guts to tell me it was over instead of disappearing. And when the topic of our relationship came up I was always telling my side of the story HOPING he would give me an apology, a crumb, anything to make me feel like it REALLY WASNT ME. Forgiveness. I can't handle being around my mother for more than an hour at a time. "If you find yourself avoiding someone you have previously been close to, reflect on what happened the last time you were together, or even further into the past," Habash said. My friends of fifteen years became his friends too, and I did not know how to handle it when he would decide that the relationship was off. I too agree we should avoid hurting others the way weve been hurt. The weird thing is that I didnt myself realise how bad it had been, until he was gone. He contacted me online in May, we got to talk on skype quite a lot and made phone calls. It isn't always easy to forgive but remembering the forgiveness we have received from God makes it possible. Why spend that much time and energy it's because there's still a grudge.". Not doing it!You dont need to keep proving yourself or trying to earn their approval, and whoever you first learned to do this with taught you to believe you *had* to be a people pleaser. Oh, eww, this guy sounds awful. Trauma refers to your physical and emotional response to experiencing harm or violation. The problem isnt dating a neighbour, its the stalking. Then, I thought, Why the hell should he think I am now or will ever by ok with what went down? It bugs me that I give a hoot what he thinks. Youre stronger than you think!!! When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment or embrace forgiveness and move forward. As much as I felt blessed to have run into man from high school and as much as I wish I had known him better then, Im still content to say no to high school reunions. In my experience, knowing what makes them tick and knowing theyre mentally ill and cant help it makes the whole thing more comprehensible (though certainly not less painful). There have been many dramatic scenes during which I talked too much and he apologized, mostly sincerely. The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. Thanks Tinkerbell! He does not mean you well. It was an amazing feeling finally saying how I really felt, Natalie is right I always felt that when I heard from him that I wouldnt have the strength to ever really say no, but I found out I actually did have, that deep down I was done with it all, it just took me a while to realise itmy daughter really dislikes him because of how he treated me and I didnt want her to ever look down on me for not being able to stand up for myself. The Connection Between ADHD & Forgiveness. I will never allow her to the chance to make me feel like I am NOTHINGand that is a direct quoteever again. I think part of me has always wanted to have some sort of exit conversation and I let him know somewhat indirectly in my text that I was interested in an apology. We get it all here. I FB-stalked someone who lived miles away. I think what helps is just seeing it through, dealing with the down moments because everyone has those and I think maybe we always will, but its about focusing on the good times and sticking to the things that are great for you. I guess Natalie would say let it go. The responsible thing to do is therefore to withdraw from new guy and other dating prospects. You hit the nail on the head. Someone told me recently that we all seem to have a cross to bear in this lifetime. It did occur to me that being in no contact with him for good may seem a bit harsh and like Im holding a grudge against the past, but then it also occurred to me, Who cares? Why does it matter what someone who clearly didnt care about me thinks? I am thinking he cheated on me and still has someone in his life and that is why he is not contacting me. Good for you for not going along with that plan, because the outcome would have ultimately been much the same but you would feel worse. And furthermore I think you look too easy, you appear non-discriminating and youre too available for them. A theological debate would be fun, though, especially with Revolution as shes smart, a writer, has a feisty personality and a beautiful heart and probably knows her stuff. Lower blood pressure. Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health. He tried to get me to meet him and called but I just texted and escalated after some wine. They also gave me pause for thought. To keep going back to someone, or anything that has proven not to be good for you, why keep going back? AC promptly said he would do what he can, but did nothing just invited my friends over to more lunches and dinners.. keep All my friends getting sweet messages/gifts every other day from him, and I feel like he is trying to win them over. And dont feel guilty about it. THANK YOU! I hope you stick to your guns about distancing anyone who disrespected you. If this is true, you're not holding a grudge, you just don't like her, which you're allowed to do. I was misguided and blind. Or would you advise me to run as fast as I can, nevermind hang around to go cycling?? It makes me sick to think how easily I fall into thinking hes a nice guy and that I am not as nice person for thinking unkind (true) thoughts. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. Take some time out from dating, so that you can move on from the ex in a healthy way. Whenever you have a thought, track it. Yet, this time, Im finding it so hard. It's a wound that's barely healed. Improved mental health. As you know, being a Christian is hard, Revolution! Forgiveness can lead to: Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. I also still feel a lot of responsibility for him, which was the other thing that kept me tied. Its not all about day one or week one for the book, and I dont want to resent it or myself. Im due to see him at another social event this week and Ive decided to tell him in no uncertain terms that Im not OK with pretending to people that were friends and that hes superficial and shallow- and a coward for not having the gumption to tell me that hed moved on. Ask yourself about the circumstances that may have led the other person to behave in such a way. For me, its BAD men. Text book I tell you. Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought. You see Magnolia, this is what I was saying before. I feel mean standing in my boundaries and yet I also feel empowered thats a new feeling for me. Ive even noticed a pattern of late where I can even have a civil, superficially friendly rapport with a EU/AC romantic prospect but keep them at arms length (where they definitely feel the boundary), and thats probably because I called the shots in ending things. I'm especially proud of you for considering your daughter's feelings. He got the ego stroke or attention he was after. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. My prayers for you continue. I learned to do without her when I was about 8. This is projection of their own feelings on you. I think Ive been too polite and nice with all this. We were never enough of anything for her. At certain points I have gone NC with her for extended periods of time because she hurts not only me, but EVERYONE I care about with her words. What's the opposite of holding a grudge? | Mumsnet What is the difference between "grudge" and "vengeance " ? "grudge" vs We can have good boundaries on one thing and ridiculous ones on something closely related. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. Hard pass! Hold a grudge definition and meaning | Collins English Dictionary These wounds can leave lasting feelings of resentment, bitterness and anger sometimes even hatred. AAAArrrrggggg!! Being a work in progress. Narc with more baggage than an airport. ), I still wanted to be accepted by them and every time in later life when I felt like an outsider it sort of tied back in to how I felt all of the time in high school. Thats what MOTHERS do. Is It a Sin to Hold a Grudge against Someone? - crosswalk.com Frontiers in Psychology. Dont make excuses for this idiot! Not an easy road, but doable. she should just walk away whenever he approaches. LavendarHow many adult men do you know who brag about bedding sluts and loose women but in reality respect/like women and are monogamous and faithful? Recently, before I broke up he wanted to see me less and less and definitely displayed other narcissistic and hurtful behaviors. The last time I saw him was a few hours after he left my bed and he had an actual girlfriend in his We had a several year long r/s, including living together that had been dialed back to living separately and dating. I screamed obscenities at him on his doorstep and went NC and remained that way until this recent contact. He didnt have time for a relationship with me but within 2 weeks went back on the dating site we met on. Even months or years later, were so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective. *Whenever you think of your ex, write a To-Do list of pleasurable things you want to do for yourself to take care of yourself. Well, dealer seems different, maybe he never wants to live that way of life either. Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. This has been my biggest weakness! Getting It!- I havent gone to any of my high school reunions as I dont remember high school as being a happy time, havent kept in contact with anyone from high school so what would be the point? I can hear him thinking How dare she be able to say goodbye, farewell! Boundary or grudge when toxic people confuse the truth - Reach Out Recovery Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. But please be careful! I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. These feelings fester in a vacuum, squeeze them out by filling your time and attention with other things. When I thought of it like an addiction, it really put it into perspective for me, and that so-called love feeling/connection, was out of the equation. I have no idea why I had such a high threshold for this in the past. Although not of a religious bent I overdid the turn the other cheek and forgive and give the benefit of the doubt thing. Grudges are a learned response. Validation? There is a silver lining to everything. PS Mymble I think being in this kind of relationship where we began to doubt ourselves, where we were with these nice passive aggressive guys is crazy making in very very sutble ways- I understand more of that now. But he actually destroyed my confidence by denying me affection, respect, and appreciation and was deaf to me.completely stone deaf. What a bullet you dodged. Then we hear nothing off him till the next week after having his son for the day the guilt gets to him again.so I then have to endure the pleastries til off he goes validated yet again. Difference between Holding a Grudge and Not Forgetting | MJ Watson I was taking care of my daughter, who was really myself. Enjoy your own company and when theres a relationship worth risking the hurt, youll know it. No. Grudges are a form of punishment. I at first could not believe what was happening and thought something must be terribly wrong with me if I feel possessive/territorial about my friends. Sometimes, forgiveness might even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you. We met a few times. I appreciate your imput. I know I have to make a 100% break because its painful to laugh and joke or get into stimulating convos over the phone when I know that he doesnt want to see me because hes avoiding physical intimacy. Were not holy rollers or bible thumpers but we do believe and we do attend church every Sunday. And its SPOT ON. Personality Types That Hold A Grudge - Live Bold and Bloom Yes. Deserved forgiveness is passive but empowering, relieving, and offers your wrongdoer new chance new life new opportunity to learn from mistakes made and to grow and to become a better person. NC is brilliant. I just sort of lump them altogether as enemies. Probably just enough self respect to pull me away from 9+ months with a sociopath. Ask your doctor, Forgiveness Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. This behavior continued into adulthood. I obviously made it sound like I was intending a relationship with the man, and I assure you I am not, we are friends, but not even sure that will work for me as the chemistry is off for me even for friends. Good for you and your new found strength! I really do think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If he is a narcissist then you are feeding him. He is no idiot, otherwise I would not need to give him a second thought. He refers to women as sluts and has six on dial a lay. Again, I was so wrong! I can be a little OCD about stuff but I am determined 2 never let him close enough 2 hurt me again so I am NC for life w/him. Why Do They Keep Having Sex With Me If Theyre Not Interested Or Dont Want The Relationship I Want? I dont wish them damnation as their salvation really is the best revenge. His reset button approach was oh, so, polite and made me crazy, though. Hurt on top of more hurt, Mary, I would suggest not responding. If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done and want forgiveness, consider reaching out to those you've harmed. Also, misspoke about 77it is 707, as you said. my mother has a massive part in enormous damage there too. I did the right thing at first by going no contact for a year. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. I am still hurting from this user, one year after he got what he wanted and just disappeared. He tried like hell to convince me to be present to now. Review/update the A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. . She would actually get mad at me, my relationship w her was at stake. When it gets to close 4 comfort they disappear into the night. It would be great if his knowing that fact would change his heart, but it doesnt. Thats what happened. It would be better for him if he had a millstone tied around his neck and was cast into the sea than to face God for what he did to this child! They hate you, good bye. Why is it I always worry about hurting other peoples feelings and not my own. My story in short: Met my AC 3 years ago, and over the course of our on-off relationship what I found the hardest to handle was that he was cozying up to all my close friends, and appropriating my family of friends as his own. . I dont know if hes being serious or if hes trying to seem masculine. Getting It!Sorry for all typos in above post & this one, doing this by phone. To move toward forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness can be hard, especially if the person who hurt you doesn't admit wrongdoing. These Are The Signs Of A Dysfunctional Family, Tian Dayton Quotes: Feeling Angry All The Time, Self Esteem Quote: Your Mental Illness Is Lying, 100 Tips For Growing Up My 20 Years of Recovery, What Is Resentment And Why You Have To Let It Go, 7 Ways To Overcome Addictions Destructive Conditioning, What Makes You Healthy High School Art / Media Contest 2023. It made me feel weak and pathetic. Your last two posts have come at exactly the right moment. Im not calling her again. The new rebound guy isnt the bad guy in CCs scenario (as presented). So we fool ourselves unless we pay 100% attention to our thoughts and actions. Please buy it! But manipulative and controlling and trying to use the reset button. I coach clients on this issue as well. She did not mention the message she had left me. Right now, I only have the energy to forgive myself. Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another? You cant kill the memory, but youve ended the BS once and for all. Focus on self care and the respectful boundaries you deserve. You'll soon start receiving the latest Mayo Clinic health information you requested in your inbox. Stay away. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for' and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow 'shoulds' laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. Is it you thats the problem? It then becomes that were running around forgiving everyone else but that we cant forgive ourselves and so we keep going back to pain sources to gain that forgiveness through validation, which only leads to more pain. It has helped a lot, they make perfect sense, and confirm what I already believed. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. Thank you. Sorry, meant to add that its neither here nor there whether theyre repetent or not. In a word. I broke it off after a few weeks because the emotional rollercoaster was too painful but then spent the last 4 months wondering what could have been, would have been, should have been, and so on. information and will only use or disclose that information as set forth in our notice of But we really need to forgive ourselves. I am an intelligent professional woman-why cant I just forget this an move on. A grudge often leads to burnout because it is the result of internalizing strong emotions and failing to decide what to do. Thank you for your reply. This is great! Sure, arent you making a meal out of this whole thing? Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. How did that statement make you feel? So, in that case, we would forgive them by letting go of resentment and vengeful thoughts, but we would also get away from them so as to protect ourselves and our OWN spirituality (lest their bad attitudes/behaviors rub off on us). Avoid judging yourself too harshly. This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information: verify here. Youre seeing the forest beyond the trees. I sent a couple of texts telling him in effect what he did and that it was still not ok or forgotten. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Needless to say, my brother, sister and I had far from an ideal childhood. It takes time and effort and SPACE (emotional space) to look at our relationship patterns so as to eventually be able and willing to have an honest conversation with ourselves. Well, I dont know if his red flags are as red as my exs so maybe Im not really seeing red Oh, you are seeing red and he even told you very directly that he has red flags. Mummys boy I had 9 mo r.ship w b4 ex now deceased AC re-entered my life, sent me a facebook friend request y.day. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission. If you can find the strength, run, dont walk. Theyre either in or theyre out!When you say no to being in one-sided and lopsided relationships, you say yes to loving yourself and prioritising mutually fulfilling relationships with love, care, trust and respect.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. "Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone you're trying to forgive. Haley Laferney is the Graphic Designer at Reach Out Recovery and a graduate of Ringling College of Art and Design. I like this definition of forgiveness. But. Trust your gut on this one, and bail, then RUN! Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. You, also have a bonus in the pages of the book that makes you live your success by doing a seemingly trivial thing. Im interested in using the past and holding a grudge and how that affects how you interact with people today. I hope these help. Have I forgiven them? PDF Letting Go of Grudges - Between Sessions My mother, who is in poor health and very demanding and lazy, expected me to step into my grandmothers role of basically being her punching bag. When I reflect, I have forgiven the assclowns from my past for their bad behavior. and then me saying, okay, fine, and then forgetting it all, never bringing it up, and acting like it never happened. "When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. I still feel Ive done the right thing, and I am relieved, but in other ways I dont know that Ill ever be really free of him. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. That would be a mistake. He has since ended things with gf, though he continues to be friends with her, and is trying to reconcile our friendship. shattered you dont need anyones permission but do be prepared for a big let down or, worse, to be insulted. difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting and not actually to feel any better. Sometimes I feel I do, but mostly I feel I dont.